Beard Vs. Buff

This is a lazy repost from my old and defunct blog. It popped into my head when I was at a local sporting goods store and saw some Burners (Burning Man folk) fastidiously perusing the eye sore Buff display rack conveniently located in the center of a major walk way. Too bad they don’t come in “faux fur”.. Perhaps they do now. The Burners take over my adopted home town every August, and I’m accepting of their bill folds while in town, cause they use sea shells and karma at “home” on the playa.


The closest compromise between the Beard and the Buff.

  Man has grown soft in the past few Millennia.  He’s gone from spearing mammoths and battling sabre-tooth thunder cats for the rites to eat and survive in an ice age Hellfest to gently shooing his wife’s inbred designer house cat from the organic Tofurkey leftovers lying on his Swedish table set in a gated community condo, 24 hour security patrol of course.
  Evolution, progression, change, call it what you will.  It’s our world. We own it and some of you even accept it and all of us embrace it in our own strange ways.  We don’t really have a choice with most things thrown at us at T3 speeds these days.  Embrace or Die.
  One thing I will never embrace is the Buff.  You know, The BUFF.  

I’m Here for the free coffee and bass jigs. I also just robbed a Subway.

  The uncapped multi-functional Swiss Army scarf that’s taken the Fly Bro world by storm.  It’s a hat, a beanie, a scarf, a neck condom, an iPhone app, a chuff rag, and an all around invaluable tool for the Utilitarian head dress fanatic.
  What ever happened to protecting your face and neck with a beard?  I know some of you were born soulless and/or female* and are incapable of growing a beard.  I know a beard won’t cover your head and if you’re like me and losing the hair battle daily, covering that thinning scalp forest takes more precedent with each outing (TANGENT – I do look forward to rocking an intense combover on a windy day in the future, the not as far as I wish future).  So Buff chalk one up for your bald spot coverage, but you will never replace a sweet ass hat.  Face “protection” is the battle here.  So with out further adieu, The Beard vs. The Buff Showdown.

Buy him a drink or he’ll make a scepter from your skull plates.

  Bars Beard – Instant Cred. Anywhere, everywhere.  You put time into that mouth and neck helmet.  We all know it.  We’ll just buy you a shot of whiskey at the bar and when you look our way and nod just once we can safely assume you just got out of the backwoods from your latest successful trapping season.  We assume you put down a good mule ’cause it was slowing you down’ and possibly ran naked with wolves because you were raised by them.  We won’t mention your likeness on that moose shed scepter, but we can all imagine the story behind it, and how he got you out of that avalanche in Grizzly Gulch back in ’09.
Buff – You walk in with that broken condom on your neck.  Girls laugh.  Bartenders are baffled.  The French laugh.  The rednecks start conspiring, leering, and one of them slips a few quarters in the jukebox to conjure some David Allan Coe.  You may not be walking out of here. 

No shit. Who else?

  WomenYou think that suave and silly Buff protected baby face is going to swoop up all the ladies?  Think again.  You may get a few of the cookie cutter lame dames to check out your fishing rig with the spare Buff on the headrest and your Simms sungloves on the dash, but then she’ll wonder if you need to be wiped every morning before she gives you your Snack Pack.  When she’s looking to step it up, she’s calling for the Bearded. The beard is a Keeping It Real Filter.  If she’s a real woman, she’s going to get at the real man.  She’s going to go see your shitty rust covered truck with a gun rack and mud from states she doesn’t know the location of.  She’s going to see the way you don’t give two shits.  She will fall in love with you.  But that’s a mistake on her part.  Beards are too damn tough for love.


Neither of these devices will help you fish, hunt, or ride bikes in an increased awesome manner, style points to the side of course.  So Bars and Women are the categories.  And the Beard won.  I know some of you Nudests (Buff fanatics) will write me about being uptight and a hater.  So now I present the practical sides to the Buff.

Ultra helpful if you’re caught fishing carp in the bad part of the LA River.
Pretending you have a real bandana.
Mimicking an old hag from Kazakhstan. And updating your MySpace profile with it. Cause you still use MySpace.
Did I not mention – MAKING YOUR OWN TERRORIST VIDEOS!!  (Beards also perform this function, and are far less cowardly.)
From the Runway to Burning Man, nothing can beat the versatility of the Buff.  She also shoots skeet.  He also loves Saved By The Bell. 
Now sold in a convenient combo kit with …

 I’ll probably be rocking one when the last of my head hair forest clear-cuts itself.

Or when I meet her…


4 responses to “Beard Vs. Buff

  1. You really shoulda stopped the blog after this. Throw the mic down, smash a guitar and stomp a kitten. If you ever start wearing a suit on a daily basis I will throat punch you.

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